Twisted Beauty
by BroadwayStar77
Summary: My sick and twisted mind ruins the classic fairy tale. My 'lil version of "Sleeping Beauty." Complete


Sleeping Beauty Parody  
  
Disclaimer: I do not own any Disney related characters or concepts. Don't sue me because you won't profit from it. I think I have 76 cents; you're welcome to it, but I don't know how I'll get it to you.  
  
Once upon a time, in a galaxy far, far away, there was a kingdom. (Called? It has to be called something?) Well, I'm feeling highly uncreative right now. A king and queen ruled this kingdom. (Names?) I don't remember. (You should research these things.) *Runs upstairs; watches movie. Comes back* King Stefan. The Queen didn't have a name. Wait, you're ruining my introduction. I'm going to start over. NO INTERUPTIONS!  
  
Once upon a time, there was a kingdom that was ruled by King Stefan and his Queen. One day, their daughter, Aurora, was born. They named her this because she plagued the Queen with morning sickness throughout the pregnancy.   
  
As soon as the Queen's water broke that morning, she was heard screaming, "Oh! God damn it! Get this ****ing thing out of me before I ****ing **** it with a ****ing sledgehammer!" They rushed her majesty to the royal hospital wing, where the child was born. The mother took the baby in her arms, and replied, "Aw, she is the sweetest thing ever. She is the most beautiful..." (Etc.)  
  
The King was shocked at his wife's change of heart, and asked the doctor if she was well. The doctor replied, "You see, she had all her PMS building up inside of her for 9 months, and then she was over-whelmed with joy over your daughter." The King then decided that he would never have another child.  
  
A few days later, after the Queen had come around to her "normal" state, and the child was tagged and isolated, the King proposed a reverent celebration. Immediately, all the people began to run to the castle chanting:  
  
"Hail to the King, Hail to the Queen, Hail to the Princess Aurora!"  
  
Rather perturbed, the Queen turned to her husband. "They aren't...coming in here, are they? I'd rather not have the village cult be at the "welcoming" of my daughter."  
  
"I can't do anything about it!"  
  
"They'll have her burning old women, and singing horrible songs, and running late night book groups. I shudder to think of it."  
  
Nevertheless, the cult, as long as the rest of the entire kingdom, showed up to the King's spacious 500-room palace.   
  
The King stood to make his speech, but looked around and noticed something missing. "Darling, where's the baby?"  
  
"Do we need her?"  
  
"It is her party." The Queen walked out of the room grumbling, and came back carrying the child in her arms.  
  
Just as the King opened his mouth, the three good fairies appeared from out of nowhere. The popped down in front of the baby, and started murmuring things.  
  
"I give you the gift of beauty, blah...blah...blah," said the red one, Flora.  
  
"I give you the gift of song, blah...blah...blah," said the green one, Fauna.  
  
Merriweather, the blue one, was about to chant over the baby, but then the room erupted with fire, and another fairy appeared, only she was *evil*. She was in black with horns emerging from her head.  
  
"Terrific show," whispered the King to his wife.  
  
The fairy, whose name was Maleficent, along with many hunch-backed, peg-legged, and one-eyed lackeys, *I don't like the gross ones they have in the movie* came to the King and Queen. "I don't believe I received an invitation. I knew the stupid postman lost it, so I just came by. If you need me, I'll be making mind-less small talk over at the punch bowl. Come my friends." Maleficent, who was quite content, skipped over to the food.  
  
Stupidly, the Queen stood and said, "But we didn't invite you!"  
  
Maleficent turned, dropped her spinach puff, and slowly crept back to the royal family. The colorful fairies disappeared with a 'pop' and a poof of colorful smoke.  
  
"You didn't? Well, then I am not happy. I must curse your child."  
  
"Darling, aren't you going to do something?" pleaded the Queen as the Fairy's lackeys brought forth a smoke machine and an overhead projector.  
  
"Wonderful improvisation! Audience participation! We must call her again."  
  
One lackey turned the smoke machine on and set it to "Curse" mode. Another switched on the overhead projector and readied the slides.  
  
"Before the sun sets on your daughter's 16th birthday..."  
  
The crowd began to "Ooh" and "Aah".  
  
"No yet! Fools. Before the sun sets on your daughter's 16th birthday, she will prick her finger..."  
  
The crowd began again.  
  
"Don't "Ooh" or "Aah" until I say the word "die"!" She cleared her throat and smiled apologetically at the King and Queen. "Before the sun sets your daughter's 16th birthday, she will prick her finger on the spindle of a spinning wheel...and DIE!"  
  
The crowd "Oohed" and "Aahed", then stopped, and gasped in horror.  
  
"Merciful Heavens!" cried the Queen, grabbing the Princess.  
  
"This show threatens the life of my only heir! Guards, arrest her!"  
  
The lackeys scrambled around, and with a burst of flames, they were all gone with Maleficent.  
  
Instantly, the three colorful fairies came back.  
  
"Flora, Fauna, Merriweather," spoke the King. "You were chanting over our daughter, do something!"  
  
"Oh, we are only allowed one spell per day," lied Flora.  
  
"Merriweather, you didn't use your spell. Go on, do something."  
  
"Why me, Fauna?"  
  
"You remember the 'one spell clause'."  
  
"Damn clauses," muttered Merriweather. "Princess, If you prick your finger on a spindle, then you are stupid. But you shall not die, you will only sleep."  
  
"How will see wake up?" asked the Queen.  
  
"I was coming to that. You will only awake if this spell is broken by true love's first kiss."  
  
The blue fairy looked rather pleased with herself. Suddenly, an excessively fat man and a young boy came forward. (That happened before.) So, it's my story. Be gone.  
  
"Who's that?"  
  
"I don't know," responded the King. "Oh! Good to see you again! How are you?"  
  
"Fine, fine. Young Phillip here came to see his bride."  
  
'Bride?' mouthed the King to the Queen. The Queen looked around, and then at the baby. She pointed questioningly at the child.  
  
"Aurora?"  
  
"Of course, Aurora. Remember, Phillip is betrothed to Aurora and they will be married when she's 16."  
  
"Oh, she's suppose to die before then."  
  
"Let's not be pessimistic. Well, here's a gift. See you in 16 years." The man and the boy left.  
  
"Well, that killed the party mood," commented the Queen.  
  
"Quite right," agreed Stefan. "We should do something about this spinning wheel predicament."  
  
"Oh! Please doing something with a bonfire!"  
  
"Very well, my love. Everyone! Gather all the spinning wheels in the land and we will burn them tonight!"  
  
"Can we have a clambake?"  
  
"Darling, lets not get carried away."  
  
Everyone left the hall, leaving the three good fairies alone to think of ways to protect the princess. They had been there for nearly six hours when Flora spoke up.  
  
"Let's turn her into a flower!"  
  
"That's the most stupid thing I've ever heard. What the hell have you been thinking all this time?"  
  
Flora stared blankly at Merriweather.   
  
"Maybe we should hide the child in some secluded area until she's 16..."  
  
"I've got it! We should hide the Princess in the old woodcutter's cottage until she turns 16!" Fauna looked lovingly at Flora.  
  
"You always have the best ideas!"  
  
Later that night, while the immense bonfire was going on, the three fairies snuck up to the royal nursery and 'took' the child. They left a note.  
  
'Dear Majesties,  
  
We have the Princess. To ensure her safety and life, we have taken her into our care, and will return her on her 16th Birthday. Toddles!  
  
The Three Good Fairies'  
  
***************************Aurora's 16th Birthday**************************  
  
16 Years went by, and the three good fairies lived without magic. They named the child Briar Rose, because they forgot her real name. They sat around all day, reading "Good Housekeeping" and "Reader's Digest" while the girl grew up and cleaned, cooked, and did everything. Occasionally the girl would disappear, which irritated the fairies. Not only because their maid was gone, but because they were suppose to be "watching out" for her.  
  
Today, since it was the girl's "Sweet 16", they decided to bake her a cake and make her a dress. They shoved her out of the house and got to "work".  
  
Briar Rose, relieved about her freedom, ran through the woods to meet her animal friends. She sang in her glass shattering voice. The birds shuddered and woke up all the other animals to share in the torture. The only animal that enjoying hearing and singing with Rose was the horny owl, whose one dream was that Rose would fall in love with him. Sure, all the other forest animals were pretty sick in their erotic fantasies, but this owl was *incredibly* sick. I'll spare you the details, because quite frankly, you can imagine well enough what the owl was like.  
  
Anyway, who should be riding through the forest but Prince Phillip! Now, this wasn't the cute present-bearing kid from 16 years ago. Oh no! He was probably as horny, if not more, than the owl. He was mad at his father ever since puberty for betrothing him to this mysterious princess that nobody had seen since the party. Many doubted that she was still alive, but his father, King Hubert, insisted on waiting. Tonight, Princess Aurora was suppose to return home, and Phillip would be married to her. This meant that he would have to give up his life of womanizing and parties. He enjoyed himself a little too much sometimes, and his horse, Sampson, was getting pissed.  
  
So, he's riding on Sampson through the forest, when this ear splitting voice is heard. 'Alright,' though Phillip, but Sampson was already onto his game.   
  
"Come on," pleaded Phillip. "I'll throw in some extra food, and put in a good word for you with that hot horse in stable eight." Sampson needed no more convincing. For that horse in stable eight, he'd do anything. He accidentally threw Phillip in the water, and made off. He realized that Phillip was either losing weight or gone. It was the latter, for Sampson came back to the lake and Phillip was screaming after some woodland creatures, half-naked.  
  
While this was going on, Rose had been droning on to the animals about some mystery man she had fallen in love with. All the animals knew that the owl wanted Rose, and they were all for him. They wanted to do whatever it took to get them together. So they were all relieved to hear that his mystery man was nonexistent. The owl spotted some styling threads hanging on a branch. He devised a horny little plan, and some of the animals went with him.  
  
Rose looked up a few moments later and saw the owl dressed like her dream man. She nearly fell off her rock and started dancing with him. Even though the owl grossed her out by trying to grind her, she tolerated and thought that the owl was the hot guy from her dream.  
  
The Prince had followed the animals and saw where the music was coming from. He smiled to himself, knocked the owl out, and began dancing with the girl. Rose saw that a half naked, yet decent looking guy replaced the owl. She remembered what her 'aunts' had said about strangers, but she thought, 'Screw them.' They went off into the forest together.  
  
As soon as they were gone, the owl woke up and realized that he was all alone. He realized that Rose was never coming back, and so grabbed the bluebird on the rebound.  
  
Rose, after being asked her name, felt a pang of guilt and ran off, only telling the guy where she lived. Phillip grinned and mounted Sampson. 'Oh yeah! I'm going to get some before I get hitched!'  
  
Back at the cottage, the fairies discovered that their wands had been discontinued several years ago and now no longer worked. The house was covered in cake batter and cloth. Rose walked through the door and thought, 'Oh God, no. I knew they would have tried something like this.' She put on her best smile thinking about the man she had met.  
  
Flora ran over to Rose and sat her down. "Listen dear. You're a Princess. We're taking you back to your father tonight so that you can marry Prince Phillip."  
  
"Okay...after my man comes over?"  
  
"No, we have to leave now."  
  
"Bummer. Alright, lets go."  
  
Maleficent sat in her 'castle', perturbed at the fact that her lackeys had screwed up after all these years. They had been looking for a baby throughout the Princess' life. Suddenly her raven descended from the sky, and perched down next to her. It cawed madly, and although Maleficent couldn't understand, she nodded and guessed. She rounded up her lackeys and started wandering about the kingdom.  
  
The three good fairies took Briar Rose to the castle and led her to a room. Rose, thankful that she was going to get away from these wacko women, began to cry a fake cry. The fairies left her alone and she looked down on the floor. There was a penny.   
  
"Shiny!" She picked it up, and suddenly, the fireplace opened. There was a pale green light, which made Rose cringe. But there was a voice saying, 'I'll give you more pennies if you come up here.' Rose, attracted at the empty promise of pennies, ran as fast as she could.  
  
Meanwhile, the fairies sat outside the door trying to remember the Princess' real name.  
  
"Amanda?"  
  
"Antigone?"  
  
"Anna?"  
  
"Where's that baby book?"  
  
They all went back into the room in search of the baby book, but saw the green light. Flora, seeing the penny, picked it up, which caused the fireplace to open. They all ran through, even though they could have apperated themselves to the exact place where Rose was, and got to the top just in time to see Rose prick her finger on the spinning wheel. Maleficent was there laughing her horns off while all her lackeys were humping the lifeless Princess. They all disappeared.  
  
The fairies had a brilliant idea that they would drug everyone in the kingdom until the Princess woke up. (How would that work? Did they forget their own spell? Someone needs to wake her up!) The stupid fairies didn't remember that!  
  
Anyway, a while before, the two Kings had gotten drunk, and Phillip came to tell his father that he was going to get laid once more before he married Aurora. The King mumbled as he was being drugged about Phillip going to get laid with this girl in the forest. Flora, after being completely grossed out, rounded up the others and raced back to the cottage. When they got there, they all gasped, and stood in horror. A red hat lay in the middle of the room. They all came to the conclusion that the hat belonged to Phillip, even though they had never seen the Prince, or the hat.  
  
They went and rescued the Prince, giving him a magic shield and sword. (What happened to the 'one spell clause'?) Midnight must have passed. (But then...) Maleficent turned herself into a dragon, but was soon killed by the Prince's magical sword. *Surprise, surprise*  
  
The Prince went to pay homage to the dead Princess before he took Sampson and rode off to a nudist colony. He felt the need to kiss her. (Why do all these Princes need to kiss dead things?) She instantly awoke and smiled at him. He faked a smile in return.  
  
Everybody woke up as the drug wore off and the Prince and Princess arrived. The Princess ran to the King and Queen and began to murmur, "Don't ever let me near those three again." She looked at her father. "Do I have a real name?"  
  
"Yes, it's Aurora. Now go dance."  
  
So, the Prince was tied down for the rest of his life, to the pleasure of Sampson, and Aurora, still a bit confused, hid all her worries in a smile.  
  
************************************************************************  
  
The End!  
  
************************************************************************ 


End file.
